When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

Iconic Gateway Arch

As we navigate our adventures, we pick cool landmarks that we want to take in. On our trip to Tennessee, we made a stop in St. Louis to see the iconic Gateway Arch. We had stopped at a gas station to use the facilities prior to heading downtown which we both thought was a great idea. I had never seen the iconic Arch so I was probably a little overly excited. That combined with too much coffee and other caffeinated beverages provided one of the most epic stories of all time. We headed towards downtown to our destination as we hit our exit, I felt the urge once again. I had to pee.

Again.

To be fair and completely transparent, I have the worlds largest- smallest bladder. Once I break the seal, it's pretty much over. I could not wait. I had to go. So, I did as most almost normal humans would do, I pulled over in front of the Government Center completely ignoring the "no parking zone" sign that was posted. I hopped out of the car, and threw my keys to Tanya with it running and waddled my way across the street. Revolving doors have been fascinating to me, but in this case it was a bit of a buzkill because the speed at which said door opens is completely dependent on how hard you push. With my vulnerable condition, I wasn't pushing anything with too much force. As I entered the building, I walked over to the security guard and whispered. "Do you happen to have a public restroom?" The guard quickly answered, "I'm sorry sir, we do not."

Defeated, I whispered back. "Do you happen to know where the nearest one would be?"

She told me that there was a hotel up the hill that would have one and with that, I was off. As I exited the building, I didn't make eye contact with Tanya so in my mind two things are true. First, I am going to pee my pants in the middle of downtown St. Louis and second, Tanya is illegally parked in front of a government building and has no idea where I am or where I'm going. A fun fact to add to this whole circus is that in my hurry, I left my cell phone in the car. As I gingerly walked up the hill, I was stuck behind three gentleman who took up the entire sidewalk as they walked side by side. If I told you they walked at a snails pace, it was actually slower than that. Finally as we reached the stop walk, I made my move and shot by them. Funny thing about bladders and the human body. There can be no wasted motion when time is of the essence. I reached the first door of the hotel. It was locked. The next door was another revolving door but at least it had a sign on it that read "this door closed".

Strike two.

Finally the last option was open and I was home free. Now a this point, I can't see straight and I'm fairly certain I was walking like I had already had an accident. The word gingerly comes to mind. Mind you, I love a great sense of humor and the irony of life isn't lost on me so at this point, of course the hotel had a pond and a running waterfall. I cupped my ears and began to scan for bathroom signs. I believe the hotel made their signs with the smallest unreadable font so stooges like me would struggle. I finally found a sign! Or should I say signs. I thought all that stood between me and relief was a hallway. Imagine my dismay to realize there were four more teeny-tiny signs and a maze of six hallways. Finally, I found it. Without regard to human life, I slammed the door open and a man was about to leave. Had I been a second sooner, he would have been completely taken out. I'm sure he went home and hugged his wife and kids and now believes in the butterfly effect. The urinals, which seemed a mile from the door were now in reach. After that ordeal was finished, I started my journey back to the car. If you can imagine, how someone who is completely out of their minds happy would walk, almost float, that was me. I turned the corner and headed back down the hill which funny, didn't seem nearly as big. The car was still there and right behind was a big UPS truck. I had a big smile on my face, but I'm pretty sure Tanya wasn't as amused at the whole situation. We went to find a spot to park which happened to be a parking garage right next to the hotel. I regaled my tale as we found a spot to park. The Gateway Arch was really cool! That part of St. Louis was also built up and was super cool. It was like an old warehouse district. As we headed back to the car after about 20 minutes. I looked at Tanya and said.

"I really gotta go again..."